The Ottawa City
Fairy Tale
Once upon a time there were a group of dogs and their valiant guardians who dared dream of quiet golden Ottawa summers filled with wildflowers, butterflies, sweetly singing birds, and soft soothing scented breezes. But sadly 12 Chemical Warlocks and Witches had taken over the Ottawa City Council! These were mavens of the world of Pesticides (herbicides, insecticides, rodenticides, fungicides), who lived in a hellish world of smog, concrete, sterile green lawns of ungodly perfection needing a daily fix of chemicals (to be seen not played on), and garishly flamboyant hybrid poisonous gardens devoid of all life (to be admired not touched or sniffed). For leisure they played golf on Ottawa's many chemically drenched golf courses with Ottawa's largest Chemical Lawn Application company executives. Twisted and bloated Moguls of sleaze and ulcerating cancers who freely spouted out money and mindless scientifically enhanced balderdash. The 12 Chemical Warlocks and Witches unabashedly sucked up all this money and slimy unscientific gobbledygook, what with their greed and utter contempt for the world that God had created knowing no bounds. They then spewed it all back out across the massive circular Ottawa city council table, where this evil putrefying toxic sludge sloshed back and forth for days weeks and even years, and successfully drowned out any hope that dogs cats and children would ever grow up healthy and alive in this once beautiful city of Ottawa!
 You would have thought that living in tune with nature, and eating healthy organically grown foods would have been in the ascendancy in Ottawa? But no, the 12 Chemical Warlocks and Witches seemingly had the Ottawa City Council in complete gridlock, as they repeatedly shot down any strong pesticide bylaw time and time again. They would then replace these strong resolute pesticide bylaws with watered down "Frankenstein fig-leaf" pesticide bylaws covertly and conveniently scripted by their Chemical Industry sponsors. The 10 Heavenly Councillors would then speak eloquently and sincerely on behalf of our dog's and children's health and then reject these meaningless bylaws, and so the cycle would continue...
Finally one stuffy empty night when yet another strong resolute pesticide bylaw was sloshing back and forth aimlessly around the Ottawa City Council table, while the befuddled city councillors played video games, engaged in email spoofing (witches), and doodled carefully out of view of any spying TV cameras, a dog named Jeri had had enough!
Jeri stretched, unfurled his glorious tail, smiled wolfishly at his dozing guardian, and then bounded up on to the council table! You could have heard a pin drop as he slowly made his way around the council table. On each of the Heavenly Councillors he bestowed a kiss and a heartfelt wigglebutt wag of appreciation. However, for each of the 12 Chemical Warlocks and Witches he provided a low growl with glistening fangs bared, as he lifted his leg and gave them the baptismal blessing of Hell on behalf of all those Ottawa dogs who had died horribly painful deaths poisoned by pesticides. Finally after anointing Rick the leader of the Chemical Warlocks and Witches, and the Ottawa council's anti-hypocrisy's biggest hypocrite for suggesting a pesticide referendum that those most affected (the dogs, the unborn, the children, and the cats) could not vote in, he paused. Then he flipped up Rick's ugly tasteless tie and started chewing it from the bottom up, and as a result tightening it, which caused Rick's vacuous blood shot eyes to start bulging out of their nefarious sockets as he gagged for each non toxic puff of fetid council air.
Meanwhile as golden non-toxic dog pee dripped from the sordid brows of the Chemical Warlocks and Witches, and their computer terminals started shorting out sending up gleeful showers of sparks and wispy plumes of acrid smoke, there was a loud sustained clapping of paws and hands from the gloom where the lowly public are allowed to gather and watch councillors foolishly screw around with their hard earned money!!
BANG! The council chamber's doors flew open, tear gas canisters started bouncing across the council chamber as flash bangs detonated here there and everywhere!! The Ottawa SWAT Team had arrived, entering as usual with their usual affable charm and no nonsense savoir faire, and led of course by Sgt Lola a hard nosed German Shepard who could sniff out a corrupt politician from over a mile distant (their being no shortage of these in Ottawa)!
Looking about Lola instantly and correctly assessed the situation! By this time Rick had his hands around Jeri's neck and was squeezing with all the pent up fury of a politician who had just had his $47,340.99 lunch claim rejected by an uppity honest bureaucrat who could not be bought off (a very rare breed in Ottawa)!!
"We have a aggravated code 10-777"
(city councillor strangling pissed off dog)
"All units green to go, Taser blast all those know-nothings seated at the round table dripping dog piss!"
The electric shocks from the Tasers reacting with the dog piss instantly fried the neural networks of all the 12 Chemical Warlocks and Witches, and reformatted their minds into a heavenly configuration of enlightened reason that caused glittering halos to spin reverently above their softly glowing heads.
The Swat Team members all took a second look of pure stunned appreciation at their Tasers, as Lola exchanged a secret hand shake with Jeri, and the choking eyes streaming completely deafened council audience madly scrambled towards the nearest exits...
Soon after the Ottawa City Council unanimously passed the World's strongest Pesticide Bylaw, one totally devoid of all exemptions, having stiff six figure fines, and that even banned the use of lawn mowers and leaf blowers before 11:00 am and after 2:00 pm!!
Ottawa's addiction to the pristine sterile lawn that had been killing off all our dogs, cats, and children was then totally busted!! Then for evermore dogs, cats, children, people and even politicians could ENJOY quiet golden Ottawa sunsets and sunrises that would no longer be shattered with the roar of lawn mowers, and drifting toxic clouds of smog and pesticides. Thereafter dogs and children would play safely on the lawns fields and in the meadows, while majestic swans drifted serenely on the now unpolluted Rideau River. Now even the elderly citizens of Ottawa could get their feet wet at Mooney's Bay and Britannia Bay without getting cancerous growths on their toes, or having to thrash about in the toxic weeds amidst all the dead fish that had existed previously under the evil reign of the 12 Chemical Warlocks and Witches from hell! Chemical Warlocks and Witches who had all been safely and magically transformed into Angels of the most divine and purest dog loving perfection.
 The Ottawa City Council - 2006 
Ottawa Boycott Pesticides Petition - 2007
———— END ————
Willows whiten, aspens quiver,
Little breezes dusk and shiver
Through the wave that runs for ever
By the island in the river
Flowing down to Camelot.
Four grey walls, and four grey towers,
Overlook a space of flowers,
And the silent isle embowers
The Lady of Shalott.
(From "The Lady of Shalott" by Alfred Tennyson)
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The Catbark Fairy Tale 
