Enduring Freedom
Fairy Tale
"Could you please step out of the car, I need to take a look at your tail."
Angel with one paw draped over the steering wheel, casually leered up over the top of his sun glasses at the officer and replied: "Tell you what officer, you show me your tail first, and then I'll show you mine!"
At this Angel's human awaking from a caffeine induced haze, gave him a sharp jab in the ribs, and leaned over from the passenger seat to give the officer a radiant smile: "He's not a Pit Bull, but a Pit Poodle having a very nice pompom on his tail! Furthermore he's a avid supporter of the right for Bananada Customs Officers to wear guns!"
Angel quickly chimed in "Yeah, I think you'd look spectacularly sexy and maybe even a bit pit bullish with a .45 calibre automatic hanging off each of your hips!"
At this the officer beamed, flipped her pony tail up on to her left shoulder, snapped shut the passports, tossed them on to Angel's lap, rolled up her copy of the Offtario Pitt Bull Identification form, and waved them off into Offtario.
"Angel, would you slow down, it's kilometers not miles here, and the last thing we need is to be pulled over by the OPOOP! They are provincial, and not as easily fooled! Anyway, arriving late at the resort for your vacation is never a problem!!"
"Very nice pompom on his tail!" repeatedly bayed Freckles (overweight beagle of consummate savoir faire) who had been listening to Angel's version of this story with rapt attention. He was now laughing so hard he fell off the bed with a thud that awoke all the puppies. They promptly demanded to hear the Enduring Freedom Fairy Tale yet again, which they knew to be Angel's favourite, seeing that he is the world's most sophisticated Pit Bull, and this being his Cause Celeb.
Angel flopped back on his pillow, dimmed the lights so as to not wake the ever dozy concierge and began:
Once upon a time there lived a Premier of the Province of Offtario who could never articulate the truth about anything. His name was McMutty and he was convinced by his very mad smiling attorney-general Barkrupt that Pit Bulls were beyond evil, and the world's greatest threat to civilized society.
"Some of these dogs are nothing but a loaded weapon waiting to go off and so we are taking action to make our communities safer." This despite the well known fact that it is humans not dogs who make our communities unsafe. Barkonto (capital of Offtario) now having sky rocketing gun shootings, what with guns now being regarded as nothing more than fashion accessories in this twisted city of sanctimonious virtuosity. This as a result of the police now being required by the new law to spend all of their time hunting for Pit Bulls who would dare go out for an evening stroll without the mandated muzzle, and not going instead after trigger happy humans. Not to mention the cost of having all of Offtario's police officers take a 1 year course on correct Pit Bull identification (the law bans Pit Bull terriers, Staffordshire Bull terriers, American Staffordshire terriers, American Pit Bull terriers, and any dog "that has an appearance and physical characteristics substantially similar to any of those dogs" - Barkrupt when asked to identify a Pit Bull selected a Chocolate Lab)!
A reasoned person might suggest banning Guns not Pit Bulls, but of course that would only get the gun happy farmers all pissed off (how could they possibly survive without having the ability to blow the head off a hapless groundhog, visiting dog from the ever encroaching suburbs, corn gorging deer, or a stuffy bureaucrat seeking to designate their land as wetlands?). They argue that "Guns don't kill people, People do". If true then "Pit Bulls don't kill people, People do" would surely also be true!?!
Pit Bulls have always been considered as the ideal family pet, and are even recommended to this day by the American Kennel Club as an especially good dog for children. Sadly though a few evil breeders had trained these lovable family dogs to be killers! Once trained they were sold to deranged frightened and mostly stupid humans, who not being able to legally buy a gun got a killer Pit Bull instead. Once obtained they would be chained outside the house, farm, or business and completely neglected, which would only make them ever more vicious. Do the same to a human, and you'd get exactly the same result. Inevitably insane after a life of hell and mindless brutality a few escaped. A sweet trusting child with golden curls and wearing a red riding cloak would then be ripped apart while on her way to visit her grandma, her bloody remains scattered hither and yon, and even splashed across every newspaper and TV show in the land, with complete hysteria and panic resulting. The Pit Bull would be blasted by the local SWAT team into a bloody mist of brains and bone, the public would shriek for bans, and the politicians would spout eloquent balderdash as they shamelessly grovelled before the glaring TV lights in search of votes. The owner however would get a slap on the wrist, and then he or she would promptly go out and buy yet another dog to heinously neglect abuse and torture in a manner beyond belief.
Predictably once the new law was passed, the evil breeders and those who had bought these trained killers promptly shot, hanged, and/or placed their ever faithful Pit Bulls in weighted burlap bags and tossed them into the nearest river or lake. These breeders of Satan then visited the ever flourishing Puppy Mills in the nearby province of Catbark, and started training other breeds of dogs to be vicious killers, who would then eat cute hapless children in the suburbs even more gleefully that Pit Bulls ever did. :-C
Clearly some humans only care about fellow humans, and not their best friends! Friends who to them are just a commodity to be mistreated for maximum profit in hidden hell holes in a dank dark dilapidated barn or shed near you! Dogs who would gladly die for them no matter what the pain or suffering that was inflicted upon them. The province of Offtario, the lying McMutty, and the brain dead Barkrupt were beyond any doubt as evil as these security goons and the sick humans who purchased Pit Bulls from them could ever be, maybe more so, because they created laws founded on the public hysteria of the moment, and not any thoughtfully considered reasons. If not a human and having few spokespersons, you were now as good as dead in Offtario!
So eventually Pit Bulls and those dogs who looked like them became extinct in Offtario (except for a daring few still engaged in the Enduring Freedom Ops). As the years passed, ever more breeds of dogs would be banned, and the complete stupidity of these laws became ever more apparent to everyone but the hysterically motivated politicians, who would shamefully pander to the whims of just a few! This then brings us to the evil empire of the dog dreaded Junk Yard Dog Security Attack Mill formerly located in a industrial park near the smogingly uppity and pugnacious city of Barkonto! This shortly after Offtario introduced the new law, when the primary function of Enduring Freedom was to rescue, provide safe havens, and see Pit Bulls successfully escape to loving homes in the US or elsewhere in Bananada.
'Go Ahead Make His Day' the rusty sign shouted, with in the middle the open blood dripping fangs of a Pit Bull jaws opened wide. The chained Pit Bulls howled forlornly at the moon, their souls untrusting unresting and tossed with sorrow. Nearby a goon clouded in a hanging ominous gloom of doom sat hunched over in his office before the glow of a ghostly laptop (the new law lay unopened on the desk beside him, with boxes of shotgun shells scattered nearby), and frantically surfed the web for Rottys available dirt cheap... Watching with binoculars was the intrepid bull terrier Maggie Magu, her side kick Zeus Beus (affable Boxer), and riding shotgun Trick a previously rescued Pit Bull (without muzzle and on the OPOOP's most wanted list).
Eventually the slovenly yet sleekly attired goon departed in his monstrously oversized Cadillac SUV, and Trick went to work on the fence with his wire cutters... The emaciated Pit Bulls momentarily stood stunned to discover a world without rusty chains and choke chains (used to hang them from fences and posts as they were beaten to obtain maximum viciousness), stood about completely lost. Their necks were a mass of red ulcerating sores and cuts from the ruthless pinch collars, which Maggie Magu had quickly cut off while tears streamed down her face and a overwhelming anger swelled up inside her! :-( Why a law that would result in countless dead Pit Bulls and those dogs who looked like them, but which would let these evil rolling eyed greedy goons from hell to go free unpunished to destroy yet another breed's glorious reputation?
Suddenly that night from on high a shaft of light descended bathing the EF Ops team and the newly rescued Pit bulls in a radiant golden light that pulsed gently with luminous spangles of star dust that cleansed away all their pain, and infused them all with a hope and a all consuming joy that was far beyond any reason that could ever be known by any mere human.
As all dogs know, God is not human but a Dog, which is why heaven is such a wondrous place, where few humans are currently ever to be found. So, knowing this dogs would always have the last laugh as they politely watch the humans trash God's wondrous blue planet earth in the name of greed, while they bask in the harmony of the calmest joy of enlightenment ever known. Humans would continue to stew in their own filth and inherent evil, but from that moment onwards dogs would ever be free! An enduring freedom and joy which would eventually start to rub off on the humans who cared. Eventually then the evil self serving politicians and their belovedly corrupt goons and bureaucrats would be banished into oblivion forever. The cages, chains, concrete pens, and Kennel Jails (for dog boarding) would be replaced with homes, a family, no leash dog friendly parks, and restful Resorts (for dog vacations). This then allowing humans and dogs to live in perfect harmony ever after until the end of time, and be the best of friends under God's watchful gaze and woofs & wigglebutt wags of heavenly approval!
 ———— END ————
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The Catbark Fairy Tale 
Dog and Cat Petition of Canada 
