The Catbark Fairy Tale
The puppies after a tiring day of chasing each other through the tall grasses of the scent terrific meadows, flopped down around the cozy wingback chair where sat enthroned the resort's top dog and deputy concierge, and pleaded to hear yet again the Catbark Fairy Tale of fur rising on the back spine tingling horror!! Baglady (elderly Basset hound) on hearing this gave a soft shudder and a big sigh, and curled up deeper under the eiderdown of the bed reserved thankfully for top dogs like herself only, and made a hasty escape into the soothing realm of a dream world filled with wondrous scents and endless meadows and forests.
Patty (svelte German Shepard of impeccable charm) cleared her throat, and looking into the entranced eyes of the gathered puppies took a sip of warm cafe au gravy and began:
Once upon a time there lived a grandiose Premier of the Province of Catbark. His name was Charrust and he was held hostage by a group of Catbarkcois whose logo was a rebar shaped in loops. Every year they would place the loops around his neck and squeeze! As usual Charrust a meek apologetic person would always cough up ever more money. The chemical farmers would then in an effort not to be outdone in their endless quest for ever more publicly funded subsidies, would bring a cow before the TV cameras, and blow its head off with a sawed off shotgun (how this might help their cause never being fully explained).
Mr Barknot of the Catbark Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals would shriek his displeasure, but as usual do nothing! Why? Because Charrust would tell him while rubbing his sore neck and wiping the cow blood/brains off his face: "I have no money, and animals do not pay taxes, are not farmers, play hockey, or belong to any unions!"
The Puppy Mill operators hearing this, and feeling threatened in their existing provinces because of tough new laws, gleefully rubbed their soft blubbery hands together in anticipated greed, and cackled delightedly as they flipped through the yellow pages using their fungus covered toes looking for the nearest cattle moving company!
So Catbark did eventually become the Puppy Mill Province of the World, which then brings us to the evil empire of the dog dreaded Paws R Us Puppy Mill formerly located near the boringly bland and indifferent town of Pawville not far from here!
At this the gathered puppies gasped, and moved closer to together! Just the mention of the name Paws R Us had even caused some of the older guests to let out low whimpers of pure terror, and then hide under the nearest bed.
Humans are lured to the Paws R Us Puppy Mill with soothing newspaper ads cleverly disguised as newspaper articles of endorsement. Once contacted a lavacious voice will then beckon them closer with sweet nothings over the phone, while warning you that a delay of 1 hour is required before you arrive.
Once off the phone the 2 witches Charnel Lobotomy and Nightmare Lobotomy make a mad dash for the barn. They enter with high-pressure wands held high as they seek out the requested litter in the dank darkness, as the hundreds of dogs start howling and barking in a mind numbing cacophony of sound. Then with flies swarming everywhere they dance with the greatest of ease through the dog poop, as vampire bats hanging from the rafters awake and scatter in the inky darkness overhead. Skidding to a sudden stop that sends up a spray of urine soaked gunk that splatters the blind old breeder who is desperately trying to protect say her 19th litter of puppies, the witches lower their wands. The puppies ever trusting wag their dirt encrusted tails, and give the witches happy barks of greeting, but then a blast of icy water slams them against the rusty wire of their cage, and cleanses them of most of their short lives accumulated filth, as they sputter desperately for air. Shivering they are then picked up out of the pen and dunked into a bucket of disinfectant, before being idly tossed into a basket. Outside they see sunlight for the first time, and are momentarily blinded, their nostrils assaulted with fresh air and a sea of magnificent scents that they never ever could have dreamt possible.
Shampooed and brushed to perfection the puppies greet the newly arrived humans who hug and play with them, as the witches carefully arrange the freshly printed forms on the polished table, and painfully put on their very best smiles.
"Oh dear, you couldn't possibly visit the barn! People can bring diseases in you know. If you walk through the park you can pick up parvo on your shoes. Walk through my lovely kennel, and you'll give it to me. You could have fleas on you or lice or other things. So I don't want you where I'm keeping everything for the reason that you could contaminate my stuff. Even the SPCA says that."
The humans frown at the mention that they might have fleas or lice, but are easily bewitched as a beaming witch places a playfully squirming puppy in each of their open arms!
And so the years passed, everything was perfection, the witches got richer, the old breeders got deader and discarded sooner, and it all seemed so easy.
Then one magical night when Paws R Us loomed darkly at the end of it's long laneway lined with rusty farm equipment, and the ghosts of many dead pigs drifted about (they used to breed pigs here) 2 luminous Fairy Princesses with moonbeams sparkling in their hair suddenly appeared. They floated down the mist shrouded driveway as if on a cloud of stardust, and the puppy mill's Trolls were easily entranced with a kiss, and seeing that their paymasters the 2 witches from hell were off doing something nefarious elsewhere, they opened the doors to the barn.
Entering the barn the princesses stood stunned thinking that the world had ended! Their inner souls felt like they had been whacked by a mighty sledge hammer! Feeling sick and dizzy they dropped to their knees in the poopy oozy crusty stinky slime, and barfed up their evening meal. The dogs stood transfixed their heads hanging over the bars seeing but not believing what kneeled before them, humans without high-pressure wands!?! Wiping the tears from their eyes the princesses looked into the hundreds of beseeching eyes before them and slowly regained their composure, as a icy shiver ran up their spines to be replaced with an all consuming rage!
The princesses promptly whipped out their golden laptops, and went online in a shower of white hot sparks. They spread the word to every corner of the world, and maybe even the cosmos and beyond.
"Be warned, Paws R Us is
a Puppy Mill from Hell!"
The witches were outraged, they sent out lightning bolts of pure fury that caused some to shrivel up and die, but even then the fairy princesses were undaunted. So, in desperation the 2 evil witches contacted the guardians of Hell itself, better known to some as the BarkPuppy LLB law firm.
NOTICES OF ACTION went out across the world wide web but accomplished mostly nothing, the web was just to vast, and the more webmasters where whacked over the head with the threat of having a claim heard for defamation and negligence in the Superior Court of Justice of Nothing the more angry they became. Suddenly the whole world was talking about the Puppy Mills of Catbark which were all just as evil as Paws R Us or even worse, if such a thing were possible.
The heartless henchpersons of BarkPuppy LLB soon found themselves sending out hundreds, and then thousands of NOTICE OF ACTION forms. The Superior Court of Justice of Nothing soon became grid locked under a sea of claims and collapsed.
Eventually the shame, the ugly scowls, and the scorn of the world weighing heavy upon their shoulders became just to much for Premier Charrust, and most Catbarkcois to ignore. Not to mention crippling boycotts, and their 17 International Marketing Centres overseas being trashed by angry mobs of dogs, cats, and their much beloved guardians. Then suddenly the Catbarkcois realized that maybe there was more to life than bitching endlessly about high gas prices, eating girth-stretching poutine, swigging back copious amounts of a chemically enhanced beer, or watching hired millionaire thugs chase a puck and each other across a icy rink! Life beyond the glitzy commercials, maybe even shared with a dog or cat who would love them unconditionally and bring domestic tranquility, soon became the dream that all Catbarkcois lusted after.
The Puppy Mills didn't stand a chance, the evil witches packed up their bags in disgust, and departed never to be seen again! Then for ever after dogs, cats, and the Catbarkcois lived happily ever after in a world of love and mutual respect!
———— END ————
| 
Enduring Freedom Fairy Tale 
Dog and Cat Petition of Canada 
